Don't make out with my wife yet
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
