once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
