I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
