If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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