i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
