The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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