I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
are you so shy because you have an std?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
