I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
