Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
