9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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