yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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