I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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