Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
