is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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