i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
