"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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