I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And then my night got REAL pukey
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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