Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
