Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
