Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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