you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
