Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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