I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize