I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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