anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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