Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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