The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
