i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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