she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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