when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
