i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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