she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
