God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
