Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
