If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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