Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's blow job season.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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