I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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