Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
