dude i'm inner monologue high
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
