pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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