please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
