i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
