my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
