Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
