Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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