I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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