That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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