im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
