is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
