i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
