I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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