there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
