Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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