Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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