woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
