I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
